Release & Instagram Tour:
All I Want for Christmas is Tentacles
By Chloe Archer
With a Giveaway!
Tinsel and Tentacles, Standalone with no order as the series is a multi-author one
Seasons greetings and alien abductions! Can two misfits find love together? It might just take a Christmas miracle! Let’s hope Santa doesn’t mind that tentacles can be both naughty and nice…
Khephren
There’s no way in Helgar’s Nebula I’m marrying the candidate my parents have chosen for me. I don’t want to be the house-husband of some stoic warrior who only cares about training all day. Boring! Thankfully, I’ve learned a thing or two from all those rom-com human movies I’ve illegally downloaded off the intergalactic web. No one will see it coming when I pull a runaway groom maneuver on them!
Once I make my escape, I can go on the solo honeymoon of my dreams—to planet Earth. It’s almost that wondrous time of year when they celebrate their holiday known as “Christmas.” Human Hallmark movies make it seem so magical. I want to experience it for myself! Now, I just need to find a human who can make my wish come true and help me have an authentic holly jolly time…
Sasha
Scrooge was right when he said “bah humbug” to Christmas. This time of year sucks balls, and not the fun kind. I’ve just lost my crappy part-time job and I’m slowly sinking under a sea of student loan debt and crushed dreams.
Just when I think my life couldn’t possibly get any worse, my cat and I are abducted by an alien who wants me to help him experience a “real human Christmas” on his ship. WTF? Clearly he’s chosen the worst possible candidate for the job.
But there’s something about Khephren’s enthusiasm and eternal optimism that starts to melt even my grumpy, cynical heart. Heck, I even agree to be his fake fiancé to get his parents off his back! I don’t know what’s happening to me, but Khephren’s charm is making me feel things I never have before. And those bright pink tentacles of his are strangely fascinating. I can’t help but wonder what all they can do…
As we spend more time together, I start to realize I might not want to go home and that maybe, just maybe, I’ve found what I’ve always been looking for. Could Khephren feel the same? If so, it would be a Christmas miracle and I don’t believe in those…right?
All I Want for Christmas is Tentacles is a standalone novel (71k words)in the Tinsel and Tentacles multi-author winter holiday MM tentacle romance series. It features a runaway tentacled-alien groom obsessed with Hallmark movies and Christmas, a grumpy human who’s down on his luck and says “bah, humbug” to the holidays, an alien abduction, fake fiancé fun, a cat named Jonesey, a droid named Rambo, a ship called the Sleigh Belle, found family, sweet and cozy vibes for the season, and a guaranteed HEA!
Universal Link
Add to Goodreads
Exclusive excerpt:
I spread my arms and all eight of my tentacles wide. “Welcome aboard, Earthling! I am Khephren Thrase and this is my ship, the majestic Sleigh Belle.”
It took me quite a while to select the perfect name for my vessel, but I’m bursting with pride over my final choice.
The rather tiny but attractive human sways on its feet—no doubt unused to being snared by a tractor beam—and stares at all of us with wide eyes. I notice that they’re a most unusual shade of deep gray, the likes of which I’ve never seen before. The human’s short hair is dark and messy, and its skin is pale. When I first watched Earth movies, it took me a while to adjust to the odd lack of variety in human skin tones. Their species appears to only have variations of white, brown, and black pigmentation, whereas my species is far more…colorful, to say the least.
“Do you think this Earthling does not understand us?” Najar asks, a deep frown on his face and a tentacle on the weapon at his hip.
Way to scare our guest, Naj!
I jerk my head at him in warning and he removes his tentacle from the weapon but glares at me, nonetheless.
“Our neural translators have mastered human English and several other languages of this planet. Besides, Kheph used his kickass programming skills to enhance their capabilities to process slang and colloquialisms found in all the movies we downloaded. There shouldn’t be an issue,” Luna says.
I turn back to the young…man, I believe? He’s so pale I fear he might be sick or could faint at any moment. My tentacles writhe with concern.
“Human of Earth, can you understand me?” I ask, using my gentlest tone.
He blinks a few times and then says, “What the hell was in that burrito?”
Before I have time to make sense of such a nonsensical statement, I realize the Earthling I have invited aboard the ship is not alone, and I gasp.
A sleek creature with bright golden eyes and blue-gray fur stalks toward me in a manner reminiscent of a mighty hunter on the plains of the Geherenvold.
“By the galactic gods, it is the manifestation of the goddess Thekmis,” Najar whispers in wonder and bends down on one knee before it.
My tentacles vibrate with excitement. “Surely, it’s a sign from the universe!”
“Inconceivable,” Rambo offers.
Luna snorts.
The magnificent creature stalks toward me and begins to rub its body against my legs, winding itself between them while emitting a most soothing rumbling sound.
How marvelous!
“It likes you, Kheph!” Luna says with a grin. “The Goddess shows you favor. Good fortune is surely coming our way.”
“Uh, excuse me? Who the hell are you people…er, aliens, and what the fuck is going on?” The human steps forward and scoops the magical creature into his arms before backing away from us.
We let out a collective “oh!” when the Goddess’s emissary rubs its head under the human’s chin in approval.
This surely cannot be a coincidence.
“I am a genius,” I whisper.
Najar sighs.
“Leave it to you to find the most amazing human on Earth, beloved by Thekmis!” Luna says admiringly.
At least she recognizes my brilliance.
With renewed conviction, I take a step closer to the human, only to frown when he takes several steps back. Automatically, and without conscious thought, the tentacles protruding from my back shoot forward to stop him.
His mouth drops open and he shrieks. “What the ever-loving fuck are those?”
I take hold of one of my startled appendages and it anxiously wraps around my waist, so I pet it reassuringly. “They’re my tentacles.”
“Uh-huh.” The human swallows and stares. “That’s…uh…nice? They’re very…um…pink.”
Of course they are. They match the color of my hair, a beautiful shade of magenta that complements my paler pink skin.
The human continues to stare at my tentacles. Perhaps he is in awe of my beautiful coloring?
After a moment, I figure out what the real issue must be and seek to reassure him. “Never fear, gentle human of Earth. We do not consider you inferior even though you were born with so few appendages. It’s not your fault. You cannot help the genetic limitations of your species,” I offer with a soothing smile.
His withering glare makes my smile waver and my tentacles tremble. Oh, dear. Perhaps I have misstepped somehow?
“Fuck you, Tentacle Boy! Having extra appendages doesn’t make you superior to humans. That’s fucking…speciesist!” He points at each of us accusingly. “Why the hell have you weirdos abducted me and Jonesy? And don’t try to convince me I’m an extra in a new Ridley Scott sci-fi movie!”
I hold up my hands in a placating gesture. “We mean you no harm.” My cheeks warm as I recall his justified accusation. “I’m sorry. You’re quite right. About appendages, I mean. This is my first time interacting with a human, and I’ve realized my own subconscious bias. I appreciate you pointing it out to me.”
His posture remains stiff but some of the anger leaves his eyes.
I brighten. “What is your name, tiny human?”
Unfortunately, once again, I seem to have done something wrong.
He scowls and his gray eyes spit fire. “Fuck you, asshat! I’m not tiny. I’m compact and just the right size for me, fuck you very much.”
My tentacles droop and my bottom lip trembles as I too become upset, mostly with myself. This is not going how I envisioned at all. Despite my adaptations to the neural translator, my communication skills seem to have failed me and I’m really putting a tentacle in my mouth every time I try to speak to this human. Perhaps Thekmis was wrong to bless me and my ship?
I bow deeply. “Forgive me. I didn’t mean to offend you. I keep making grievous mistakes. Interspecies communication can be challenging, far more so than I expected, but that is no excuse. I beg your patience.”
I dart a glance up to find him eyeing me warily before he sighs long and loud, in much the same way Najar often does when Luna or I do something foolish.
“Whatever. Let’s just chalk it up to an interspecies communication error, like you said. I’m Sasha and this is my cat, Jonesy. Now, tell me why we’re here and what you intend to do with us.” He narrows his eyes and adds, “And there better not be any fucking probes involved or I’ll shove all your tentacles up your own ass.”
My tentacles flail as I straighten. “What? No! We would never be so barbaric. You are an esteemed guest on our ship.”
Sasha scoffs. “Guest? Try again, pal.”
Enter the Giveaway:
To celebrate the release of All I Want for Christmas is Tentacles, Chloe is giving away a $5 Amazon Gift Card, and a Signed Copy of the release!
Enter the Rafflecopter giveaway for your chance to win!
Direct Link: https://bit.ly/AIWFCIT_Giveaway
About the Author:
Chloe Archer writes M/M sci-fi and paranormal rom coms with laugh out loud humor because she’s all about bringing the funny-sexy back. Oh, yeah!
She currently calls Minnesota home, but has lived abroad in places like Montreal, Edinburgh, and Tokyo. She’s hoping to relocate to Scotland permanently one day if the stars align.
Chloe is a fur mama to two adorable Yorkies, Jasper and Teddy, and she loves them in a crazy dog mama kind of way. When she isn’t busy writing, she enjoys visiting friends and family, traveling, reading, binge watching movies and TV shows, and practicing her karaoke skills. She does a mean cover of Pat Benatar and Cher, or so she’s been told.
Connect with Chloe:
Here’s my Link Tree with everything: https://linktr.ee/authorchloearcher
Website: https://chloearcher.com/
FB: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100071621497295
My FB Reader Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/chloescosmos/
IG: https://www.instagram.com/chloearcher_author/
Bookbub: https://www.bookbub.com/authors/chloe-archer
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@chloearcherwriter
Newsletter: https://tinyurl.com/3ax9we3p
Book, Tattoos & Tea 